I am not a bad person for having aggressive meltdowns.

It isn’t fair to use our meltdowns as a measure for what kind of partner, friend or person we are. Every meltdown deserves to be approached with understanding regardless of what it looks like.

Autistic meltdowns can manifest in different ways; each meltdown looks different for every Autistic person. I’m someone who has aggressive meltdowns. I’ve had aggressive meltdowns since I was a child and while I have less meltdowns the older I get and the more I accommodate my needs, I still experience aggressive meltdowns.

When I was younger, my meltdowns would involve screaming, yelling, throwing items, slamming doors and overturning the furniture in my room. When I was in class, my meltdowns would involve throwing chairs, tearing up whatever I was working on or pushing whatever objects were closest to the ground.

As a child and teenager, during moments of significant stress, my meltdowns would involve being aggressive towards other students. I’m not proud of these moments but I would like to say that whenever I was aggressive towards other students, it was always, always, in response to bullying. I know it doesn’t mean my behaviour was right but I do believe it provides context. 

When I was twelve years old, I had a meltdown and it involved me throwing a chair at another kid. Obviously, the teacher witnessed my display of violent behaviour but you want to know what they didn’t witness? They didn’t see the hours of hair pulling or teasing, the spit balls all over my back or the threats of following me home and beating me up. And that’s while sitting in a classroom, increasingly overwhelmed by the sensory input around me. 

When I was fourteen years old, I was allowed to get my first lunch order. I was so excited when I picked up my mini pizza from the canteen that day and brought it back to where my friends were sitting. I needed to go to the toilet so I left my pizza with my friends and when I returned, it was nowhere in sight. As each friend participated in the withholding and teasing of my pizza, I became increasingly frustrated. I kept asking for my pizza and my friends kept refusing to give it to me while laughing at my obvious distress. It was too much and so, I exploded. I jumped on the girl with the suspiciously placed backpack to desperately fight for the pizza that was rightfully mine. I was punished for fighting with a suspension while the girl who had my pizza hidden in her backpack walked away, free from consequences.

As an adult, I haven’t been aggressive at anyone but I also don’t get violently bullied by other people in an overstimulating environment where I can’t escape anymore. I have had many meltdowns where I do throw things though. It’s just usually directed towards the floor or wall. I tried to live in a share house when I was twenty one years old and I would often have meltdowns whenever I tried to cook. I would become increasingly overwhelmed and it would end in an explosive fit of frustration where I would throw a saucepan or plate on the ground. None of us, including me, had an understanding of Autism so I was seen as explosive, dangerous and angry. I had a meltdown in front of my best friend a while ago. I was trying to do too many things at once and as I was trying to do one task, I kept coming up against obstacle after obstacle. I could feel the tension in my body increase till I ended up exploding; throwing the remote in my hand as I screamed out of frustration.

I’m not proud of my aggressive meltdowns but I want to be honest about them.

Like many others, I feel a lot of shame and guilt over my meltdowns. I often question whether I’m a toxic friend or partner. I often wonder if my aggressive meltdowns are a sign of my true character. I’m embarrassed to approach my partner or friend after I have a meltdown; afraid now they’ll hate me. I worry about having a meltdown in front of a new friend or partner; afraid of how it’ll change their opinion of me. 

Unfortunately, these feelings of shame, embarrassment, worry and fear have come from how my meltdowns have been treated in the past. And they continue to be reinforced by Autistic people and non-Autistic people alike. A while ago, I shared my experiences of what an Autistic meltdown looks like for me on my social media. I was told by countless strangers that I was an abusive person; a bad person. It really hurt when I was told that my meltdowns weren’t an excuse for my aggressive behaviours from other Autistic people. If anyone should be understanding of meltdowns, it should be other Autistic people, right? 

It isn’t anything I hadn’t heard before, of course.

When I was younger, I would have meltdowns around my younger siblings. I know it would’ve been scary for them. And I understand that no parent would want their children around someone who is yelling, swearing and throwing things. It still hurt though when I was told I was a danger to my siblings. It felt like I was portrayed as a bully and a naughty kid because of how my family would respond to my meltdowns or talk about my meltdowns. Instead of my siblings learning about Autism and meltdowns, they were learning how to fear me and hate me. 

I was always punished for my meltdowns. I was suspended from school every time I had a meltdown. I wasn’t sent to the school psychologist or a sensory safe space to regulate; I was sent to the principal’s office. It wasn’t any different at home either. I wasn’t met with understanding, compassion or patience. I wasn’t given time to recover after a meltdown. I wasn’t given space to be alone with my special interests. I was shoved into my room and afterwards, told to apologise and clean up the mess I had made.

I was taught to view myself as a bad person because I was punished for my meltdowns. I was taught that my meltdowns were bad behaviour so I grew to believe I was a bad person for not controlling my bad behaviour. And over the past number of years, I’ve been slowly unlearning what I’ve been taught.

I am learning to view my aggressive meltdowns neutrally.

An Autistic meltdown is a complete loss of control over our behaviour, communication, emotions and responses. A meltdown isn’t bad behaviour. A meltdown isn’t a representation of our character. A meltdown isn’t an act of manipulation or abuse. It isn’t fair to use our meltdowns as a measure for what kind of partner, friend or person we are. And it definitely isn’t fair to punish us for our meltdowns. Every meltdown deserves to be approached with understanding regardless of what it looks like. An Autistic person who screams and throws objects during a meltdown is as deserving of compassion as an Autistic person who cries and runs away during a meltdown. An Autistic person who has a fight response is as deserving of compassion as an Autistic person who has a flight or freeze response. 

I’m not a bad person because I have violent or aggressive meltdowns. You’re not a bad person because you have violent or aggressive meltdowns. And we’re not bad partners or friends because we have aggressive meltdowns. 

To the Autistic people who have destructive and aggressive meltdowns, you’re not a bad person. To the Autistic people whose anger has ruined friendships, I hope you find friends who can hold space for your anger. To the Autistic people who feel shame or guilt because they throw things during a meltdown, there are lots of things to throw that aren’t breakable. To the people who are loving Autistic people who experience aggressive meltdowns, you can continue to love us and prioritise your own safety during our meltdowns.